Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This is classic penis vs brain.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
