so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
