Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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