She is in my trunk
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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