According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
