hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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