Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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