i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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