Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
