we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Four minutes until I can fart!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
