she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
