I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
