nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
