he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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