I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
