Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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