Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
