I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
