Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
