sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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