haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I smell like Dick and happiness
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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