He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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