life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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