If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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