Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
