I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
