I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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