Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
