Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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