i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
