new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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