I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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