you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm both gender and math confused
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
