when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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