Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
