New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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