please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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