dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
