We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
