Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
