i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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