we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
