Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
