it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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