Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
