went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
