Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
