i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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