Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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