I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
