Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
