Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
