i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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